So Monday - the day of the list. I had convinced myself that we were going to get a call. Not only had I convinced myself that we would get a call, I convinced myself that Jesus was whispering to me that it was going to happen. I spent a lot of the day in prayer. I just *knew* it was going to be it!
It didn't happen.
On Tuesday, I was crushed. Not so much crushed that we didn't get a call, but crushed that I was so wrong. How could it be? How could I have misinterpreted everything? Doubt began to creep in. Major doubt that scared me to death. Was I not as close to my Savior as I thought? Have I been wrong this whole time? What if He had turned His back on me? I was really, really struggling.
Every time I tried to pray, I would think, what's the point? He isn't hearing me. Or He is hearing me but doesn't care. I can tell you that Satan was super close to me those days. He was whispering those lies to me and convincing me they were real.
After a couple of days of wallowing in self pity, something dawned on me. When things didn't go my way, I was very quick to "blame" God. I was disappointed and let down, and it was all His fault. I turned on him in an instant when He didn't respond the way I wanted. That broke my heart.
I began to realize that He was indeed speaking to me last Monday. He was encouraging me and lifting me up. I am the one that read it all wrong. It was MY fault that I manipulated it all to be the answer that I wanted. So I alone, set myself up to be disappointed.
I am doing a bible study right now that has really spoken to me these last few days. On day ONE (!), it talks about how Jesus said, " I am THE way." He does not say, "Let me show you the way.", or "Hey, here's a map for the way, complete with all the details you will need." He simply says He is THE way. It went on to give examples of times in the bible that God or Jesus simply said, "Follow me." There were no further instructions. No promises of happy times. No guarantees that things would be wonderful and work out just like we hoped.
So it made me think - when Jesus called us on this journey, did he give me a detailed map? No. He just said adopt. He did not tell me that the road would be great! Or that everything would be rosy. Am I not willing to be obedient if the journey does not look like I think it should?
One thing I know - He is faithful. He is trust worthy. I am grateful that this journey isn't looking like I thought it would. I am grateful that HE is the way. He is in control. He has ordained this journey and He has hand picked the little girl that is suppose to be my Willa. Clearly she (or we) is not ready. It isn't our time. I still trust Him. He sees the big picture. He knows each detail. I can only see this moment. If it takes a day or a year, when He says its time, then it's the perfect time. I will wait for Him.
I will wait for Him with joy in my heart. Because you know what? He is enough for me. If I never have more than I have in this moment (or if God forbid, I have less), He is enough. And I am grateful that He doesn't hold it against me when I am so quick to blame Him. Or turn from Him. I pray that as I grow in my relationship with my Savior, those times will be less and less. Because He will become More and More.
I also have an update from my agency, but that is a whole other blog post. I will share that one later.