Frantic is the only word that I can think of to describe the way I feel. I like I am desperately swimming (against a current) to get to her, and the harder I swim, the further away she is. This panic wells up inside of me, and there is nothing I can do about it.
I long for her. I love her just as if I had given birth to her myself. Yet, I have never seen her. I do not know her name. The love is very real, however. Sadly, no matter how desperate I feel, or how empty I feel, it doesn't matter. She is a world away and there is no way I can get to her. Not now at least.
It is the most horrible feeling. I completely trust Jesus, but at the same time, I am desperate to understand.
His ways are not our ways. I only see the here and now, He sees the whole picture. I have to trust that he has a purpose and all of this has meaning. If I don't believe that, I will lose my mind.
I just have to pray that He will reveal Himself and His purpose to us. Hopefully, He will do that soon. I am not sure how long I can keep swimming.