Monday, July 18, 2011

DIFFICULT WEEKEND

This past weekend, I packed up my little family, and headed to SC to visit my parents. We stopped in Rock Hill to meet up with my sweet baby sister for ice cream. It was close to 4 pm when we got back on the road. As I was leaving, I notice I have several missed calls and text messages. They were all from Brad, except one. One with an 703 area code.

I immediately knew it was my agency, but for some reason, instead of listening to my messages first, I called Brad. He said, "Michele! Where have you been? Melissa called with a referral!!!" I was in shock! So I immediate hung up and called Melissa.

Sure enough, there was a referral for us to review. I was cautiously optimistic, but scared out of my mind. She told me all about the little girl and everything sounded ok. So she forwarded me her file. Now keep in mind that I sit home, day in and day out. Never going anywhere except to church. I have been waiting on this call for months. Well, actually years. And when does it come? At 4 pm on a Friday afternoon when I am driving 80 miles an hour down the interstate.  Another doozy, my mom does not have internet access. So I had to rely on my phone all weekend to review the file, email doctors, stalk the net looking for any information I could find.

I tried to be social, considering I was suppose to be visiting my family, but all I could think about was this little girl. Her face was like a little angel's. So precious. Her needs scared me - they weren't something that we really felt comfortable with, but we kept hope in our hearts. We desperately wanted to hear good news when we spoke to the doctors.

Unfortunately, there was no good news. I think I knew in my heart that her needs were not going to be as cut and dry as I hoped. Deep down, I knew the doctor wasn't going to have anything positive to report. There were just too many red flags.

Turns out, our gut feelings were right. Her condition was not good. In any aspect. We had to decline the referral. I have cried off and on since. I guess, it just seemed so familiar. The heart ache, the guilt, the timing. The only difference this time was that I wasn't in China, alone.

We prayed and prayed and prayed. We just never could find that peace we needed to go forward. Then the doctors confirmed our fears, we knew that we just were not equipped to handle all of her needs.

It crushed me.

You want to hear how sweet my Heavenly Father is though? He knew our hearts were breaking. He knew that we worried that we just couldn't handle the emotional roller coaster of this journey. He knew we needed encouragement to keep fighting.

On Sunday morning, our church treasurer came up to Brad and said, "Merry Christmas in July" and handed him an envelope. In it was $1000. Can you believe it? Someone anonymously gave us this money. On the very same day that we felt like we were dying inside.

It was like Jesus was saying, "I am still working. I know it's hard! Keep fighting! You're almost there!"

Such a difficult weekend, yet it ended with His redeeming love and provision. You think His heart isn't for the orphan? You better believe it is!!

My baby is still waiting. When it is His time, we will find her. Until then, I will rest in His unfailing love! And I will be on my knees for the ones that have no mommy and daddy tonight.

8 comments:

Tara said...

Oh, I'm so sorry Michele. I'm hoping a great referral is just around the corner!
What a blessing the gift of that money is!!

Stephanie said...

Oh, my...that IS difficult. Oh, Michele, I'm so sorry for this rollercoaster. But, I am praising God for showing himself to you in very real ways throughout all the ups and downs. ((hugs))

Cheri said...

I'm so sorry that you had to say no. But, you know as well as I do that God will give you peace when it is your child.

Anonymous said...

Your day will come! I just have to say how fortunate you are to be receiving so many gifts of money. We are 17 months into the adoption process and have never even received a dime from family or friends. We've been working ourselves to death to pay for it all on our own.

ItsMeNB said...

Wow. Just wow. I can't imagine all the emotions and feelings and thoughts you've just experienced (and still are I'm sure). But, "Once you have overcome all obstacles, you will be able to stand your ground." Eph6:13 GWT

The Raudenbush Family said...

I know the weekend was hard, very hard. But, I know too that when you and Brad are together tomorrow, you will be able to celebrate His blessings this week and be encouraged together that HE IS IN THIS PROCESS and that He will reveal your child to you in His perfect timing. Do not let that be a cliche--remind yourself of that truth now and praise Him for the reminders of Him walking with you this week.

Kris said...

Oh, I'm so sorry. When we were adopting the first time, the agency approached us about an adorable 3 yr old girl. While we felt WE could handle her special need, we realized for the first time that this was not a decision that we were making only for us, but our family as well. We both felt that our immediate family would not be so accepting and neither of us could handle that. We had to turn that referral down. It was heart breaking. I remember praying that if we were her only hope for a family, that we would be her family. But, God in is awesomeness made a way for us to MEET her forever family! She is in the PERFECT family...and it was NOT us.

Then I remember how difficult it was to look at files when we were looking for Rachel and having to "pick" our child. I remember feeling so overwhelmed...feeling like we were these girls ONLY hope. It was such a burden. But, God has YOUR daughter for you...her paperwork is not ready yet--for whatever reason. You have a peace that I cannot explain when you see her face and read her paperwork. THAT I can promise. But I will tell you having to read about these children who need families when you cannot be their family is heart wrenching. I still think about these girls who have now nearly aged out (if they have not found a family). Breaks my heart. What their future looks like in China as an aged out orphan...I pray more people would answer God's call to join this amazing journey. Not easy, but so rewarding.

God is so good...I hope the timely arrival of the "giant boxes" helped lift your spirits even more to continue your "Christmas in July".

Naomi said...

I am so sorry. I have not been on your blog in awhile and wondered if you had seen my comment and email. I would love for you to contact me if you want to. If not no worries, I totally understand and shall be praying for you that the Lord will give you the right child and the patience to wait.

hugs,

Naomi