Wednesday, August 24, 2011

ALL OVER THE PLACE

I do not feel stable. LOL. I have gone from weepy hot mess to numb and indifferent. It started when I found my old scrap books under the couch. Just flipping though, I was over come with emotion. Just such sweet memories there. Apparently, that was the straw that broke the camel's back. Tears flowed, and honestly, have flowed since.

I really think the tears were just a combination of many different things. It's clearly been building. I think a part of it is the anticipation of the list (with the current available waiting children) that is suppose to come out Monday night.  Just knowing it's coming, then the realization that this month will probably be just like the other months with no call.

Then I keep thinking of how short we are financially. I did lower the amount needed because I think I over estimated for airfare. I hope so anyway. I also had to use some of our savings for some unexpected expenses. So we are basically still where we were, but I look at our little fundraising bar and sheer panic sets in. 

Then I realize it's a complete moot point because we have not received a referral. I don't need money to travel if there is no little girl to travel for.... 

Then I cry again. It's a vicious cycle.

Don't get me wrong, I am still trusting my sweet Jesus. In fact a few weeks ago, I really prayed that He would guide me in a decision regarding our adoption. I was struggling with wondering what to do and I specifically asked Him to show me what to do. The very next morning, I had an answer. I don't want to go into specifics here, but that day after my prayer, I received just the answer that I was looking for. Jesus confirmed what I felt in my spirit in a very distinctive way. Then I got an encouraging email for our agency, that I took as another answer from Him. Bottom line - it is 100% in His hands. Not in America World's hands, not in mine. His. Then last night I heard such a sweet song about adoption. Some of the lyrics really stood out to me:

When we cannot see you moving
When it seems the dark has won
May you find us still believing
That you want this more than us
You will finish what you started
And your plans for us are good
Help us cling to what you promised

It is so easy to have a pity party for myself. It is so easy to wallow in despair and doubt. That comes easy for me. What takes work is believing, trusting, having faith. It have to keep reminding myself that He can be trusted.  Just because He isn't working on MY time table doesn't mean He isn't working. 

I have to trust that. Will you please lift our family up in prayer if you have a minute? Please pray that He reveals Willa to us SOON. My heart may just break in two if He doesn't.

4 comments:

Ashley said...

Sweet friend! I pray for you and Willa daily. The Lord is all over this. He is preparing you, your finances, your daughter. He is preparing it all and WHEN you meet her it will be at the perfect time. Hang in there and you better call me next time you find yourself all weepy like that! You hear me?!!? *hugs*

Nicole said...

Oh love that song and the lyrics are just wonderful. I will pray for your family and for your precious Willa :-)

Tara Anderson said...

I know waiting for a referral must be terrible. I have a hard enough time waiting on a piece of paper! Just keep trusting. God's not going to let you down! Love you!!

KJ said...

I can appreciate your continually waiting, waiting, waiting. We waited every month for nearly THREE years for Megan. I can appreciate your impatience and your fatigue in waiting. It gets old, very quickly when you think of her waiting for you. But, there was something a friend (who waited for her 2 girls as well) shared with me: you will wait until YOUR DAUGHTER is ready for you. I know it seems like she's ALREADY waiting for you...but you just do not know where her paperwork is right now...and God is watching over her in ways you (or I or anyone else for that matter) can. He is keeping her safe. He is holding her; making sure she knows she is loved and that her family is waiting for her. I prayed someone would snuggle with and love on Megan until I could...and God answered that prayer through a Half the Sky caretaker. God will do the same for Willa. He is faithful. He WILL do it! And when you are on the other side...you can look back and say "oh, NOW I know why God had us wait this long!" It will come together at just the right moment.