It is hard to believe it's a year since we received the call saying we had been matched. I never thought this time last year, that I would be embarking on the hardest year of my life. I never thought that we would face such trials and difficult times.
Just when I think I have healed and processed all that happened, I am broadsided by something that reminds me that the hurt and the pain are still very fresh and raw. I thought by this time our little girl would have been home six months, and finding her place in our family. Instead, I don't even know who our little girl is...
Then my thoughts drift to Xiao Xiao. I think of her often. More often than you could imagine. I wonder what she is doing. I wonder if her family has traveled yet. I wonder what it would have been like if we had of brought her home. I wish I could get an update on her and see how she is doing. A couple of weeks ago I dreamed about her. I dreamed that we decided we had made a huge mistake and we figured out a way to bring her home after all. She was here, living with us. It was like it was suppose to be. She was here and happy. She did not have the physical and mental needs we were faced with in China. She was just a little 5 year old girl that was now home with her family. When I woke up, my heart was literally hurting.
I so wish it could have been the way it was in my dream. I so wish that Xiao Xiao could have been Willa Hope. I hate that I left her. I hate that I didn't get to bring her home.
In the grand scheme of things, I know what happened was meant to be. I know that Xiao Xiao was never meant to be my daughter. I know that it was a part of the plan. Jesus knew all along that that child was not mine. All of that happened for a reason, I have faith in that. I still wish that it could have been different.
There is a hole in my heart for Xiao Xiao. She will always be so precious to me. Even if I couldn't be her mommy. I think back on my time with her, and I long to tell her so many things. I long to tell her that I am so sorry. I can only pray that soon she will know the love of a mommy and daddy. It breaks my heart that we aren't her family.