Wednesday, January 26, 2011


It is hard to believe it's a year since we received the call saying we had been matched. I never thought this time last year, that I would be embarking on the hardest year of my life. I never thought that we would face such trials and difficult times.

Just when I think I have healed and processed all that happened, I am broadsided by something that reminds me that the hurt and the pain are still very fresh and raw. I thought by this time our little girl would have been home six months, and finding her place in our family. Instead, I don't even know who our little girl is...

Then my thoughts drift to Xiao Xiao. I think of her often. More often than you could imagine. I wonder what she is doing. I wonder if her family has traveled yet. I wonder what it would have been like if we had of brought her home. I wish I could get an update on her and see how she is doing. A couple of weeks ago I dreamed about her. I dreamed that we decided we had made a huge mistake and we figured out a way to bring her home after all. She was here, living with us. It was like it was suppose to be. She was here and happy. She did not have the physical and mental needs we were faced with in China. She was just a little 5 year old girl that was now home with her family. When I woke up, my heart was literally hurting.

I so wish it could have been the way it was in my dream. I so wish that Xiao Xiao could have been Willa Hope. I hate that I left her. I hate that I didn't get to bring her home.

In the grand scheme of things, I know what happened was meant to be. I know that Xiao Xiao was never meant to be my daughter. I know that it was a part of the plan. Jesus knew all along that that child was not mine. All of that happened for a reason, I have faith in that. I still wish that it could have been different.

There is a hole in my heart for Xiao Xiao. She will always be so precious to me. Even if I couldn't be her mommy. I think back on my time with her, and I long to tell her so many things. I long to tell her that I am so sorry. I can only pray that soon she will know the love of a mommy and daddy. It breaks my heart that we aren't her family.


TanyaLea said...

Oh Michelle, my heart breaks for you right now. I am saddened to hear that your heart is tormenting you about this. I can't pretend that I know exactly what you are going through, because in all honestly, I have never walked a mile in those shoes. But I DO feel the pain in your heart through your words, and KNOW that you will be in my thoughts and prayers. I pray that God will ment this broken heart of yours, and that some how, some way, some day, you WILL have an update on her and know she is being loved in her new family. It's clear you will always have a special place in your heart for her. I pray that 2011 is a year of healing so that your heart can find rest in the difficult decision you had to make.

Sending BIG hugs your way! <><


Cheri said...

I have to admit I've done the same thing. I've had the dreams. I wondered for months if we should just go back and get Yangluo. But, when I thought realistically, I knew we could not. It was too difficult. My heart wanted to do it. That had to be the most unselfish thing I've done in my life...for the sake of the other children at home.

Stephanie said...

Beautifully written and expressed. I, too, am so sorry you had to go through that experience. I continue to pray for Jesus to heal your heart and lead you to your daughter.
Hugs to you today, my friend.

Ashley said...

Love you sweet girl and I am still praying for ya!

Valerie and Jeff said...

Amazing how much the heart wants to do things SO much sometimes ... even beyond the bounds of ability or reason. It is so true what Cheri said about choosing to do things most unselfish for the rest of the family. Strange to see it that way that selflessness could be HARDER ... but God in His wisdom knows and guides our path when we trust in Him. Praying that there is peace in your continued journey and understanding in time for this path of preparation. Truly there must be a reason far beyond our understanding and I send you hugs for having traveling the hard road and trusting.

Tara Anderson said...

Michele, I can't even imagine the feelings of loss you struggle with. I know it's all part of God's perfect plan, but I do wish there was a way I could "fix" everything for you and give you the fairytale you dreamed of when you were first matched.

Sending you my love...