Wednesday, January 19, 2011

GETTING IN THE WAY

People that know me in real life, know that I am not the most patient person on the planet. In fact, when I get my mind made up about something, it has to happen *right now*. I can't relax or think about anything else until I get or do whatever it is I am thinking about at that moment.

Sometimes I wonder if I am border line obsessive compulsive. I mean I don't wash my hands 1000 times a day or anything like that, but here is a example of what I mean: Leaving the house is always stressful for me. I am so worried I have left something on. Like the dryer or curling iron. Or that I have a candle burning somewhere. I also worry that I have left the dog out or the front door open. It isn't simple worry, it is intense worry. Sometimes I have to literally fight myself to not turn the car around to go home to check. There have been times when I have turned the car around because I am just so "obsessed" with checking and rechecking.

Today has been one of those days for me. I have literally obsessed all afternoon about a referral. Or lack of one, for that matter. I have successfully convinced myself that there is no way we can get a referral with the checklist we have submitted. I have checked a ton of waiting child sites today looking at some of the kids waiting. The more I looked, the more hopeless I felt. So many faces, yet so many needs that seem so scary to me.

I sent an email to my agency, but honestly, she didn't make me feel better. Then it hit me - Jesus has provided every step of the way. Miracle after miracle. Do I really think that after all of this, He wouldn't have a child for us? He has changed my husband's heart (which could have only been divine intervention), he provided the finances (we were convinced there was no way!), he changed my husband's heart again (probably harder than the first time), he continues to provide finances... I could go on and on. There have been so many provisions that were nothing short of miraculous. And yet through all of that, I think there is no way we will get a referral? What in the world is wrong with me?

Do I not know the Creator? The Provider? The very God that has moved mountain after mountain to bring our girl home? I do. I know Him and I know He is Faithful. I know He has a plan for me and a plan for Willa. He knows who she is... He has known since the beginning of time. He has destined her to be my daughter. He isn't going to let her join a different family. She is ours. One of us. When His time is perfect, then we will see her. I need to get out of His way and let Him work.

Do I think the CCAA intimidates my God? Of course not. Do I think the shared list is too daunting for Him? No way! So I need to stop my OCD in it's tracks and just trust.

Trust. Deep breaths... TRUST.

9 comments:

melody said...

I know how incredibly hard this part is and I will pray that God would send you encouragement and get you through this rough part of the journey. It is okay to be mad and have hormones out of control. Its like being pregnant and waiting to find out the sex.

Tara Anderson said...

God's doing the same work in both of us...just a little differently. :) Love you!

Stephanie said...

Oh, it's so hard to wait. Bless you for your honesty and your faith!

TanyaLea said...

I relate to these words more than you know. All I have to say to these 'truths' you have spoken is a big *sigh* and then "AMEN!"

love you,
~Tanya

Ashley said...

Deep breath indeed.

I am praying for you guys!

Tammy :) said...

Praying, and so glad He is providing for you. IF its left to us it would always much harder! So glad He still has you in the palm of His hands!! Praying and Hugs!!

julie said...

I could have written this post! I am in the same situation. God has moved mountains in our adoption, too. Changing my husand's heart, providing money when needed....but, with a LID of 11/12/10 we too, are awaiting a referral for an older girl. We are open to some SN...it just seems as though the kids on the lists have SN that we are not comfortable with. You were probably like me waiting to hear if there was a match on the last list....and then your heart breaks because there wasn't.

I know that our daughters are out there, just waiting for us! Who knows maybe our girls will be on the sme list!

By the way, I'm the one that sent you the poem "wait".

The Raudenbush Family said...

I remember feeling the same way--I was convinced that there was no way that we'd find a child who fit what we thought we could handle. We waited to be matched from March to January. We started reviewing files more actively in October and had to say no to several before we were led to Lydia. It was so hard. But, you are absolutely right--the Lord has led you thus far and He WILL NOT fail you. His timing is perfect and He will see this adoption on to completion.

Lynne said...

Michelle, we are SO alike friend. Your post reflects the same mental "click" I had before my referral for Joni. I really think God allowed those four months of waiting and wondering in order to put me in a deep place of trust. I personally felt that when those feelings of fear/worry came up that He was asking me not to go to boards/advocacy sites/agency/people for support but directly to Him first. This helped my spirit so much and was a great lesson to learn for life. I was even able to find some sweetness in the waiting time and I hope you can as well. Can't wait to share in your celebration when you see the face of your new little one! Blessings, Lynne