People that know me in real life, know that I am not the most patient person on the planet. In fact, when I get my mind made up about something, it has to happen *right now*. I can't relax or think about anything else until I get or do whatever it is I am thinking about at that moment.
Sometimes I wonder if I am border line obsessive compulsive. I mean I don't wash my hands 1000 times a day or anything like that, but here is a example of what I mean: Leaving the house is always stressful for me. I am so worried I have left something on. Like the dryer or curling iron. Or that I have a candle burning somewhere. I also worry that I have left the dog out or the front door open. It isn't simple worry, it is intense worry. Sometimes I have to literally fight myself to not turn the car around to go home to check. There have been times when I have turned the car around because I am just so "obsessed" with checking and rechecking.
Today has been one of those days for me. I have literally obsessed all afternoon about a referral. Or lack of one, for that matter. I have successfully convinced myself that there is no way we can get a referral with the checklist we have submitted. I have checked a ton of waiting child sites today looking at some of the kids waiting. The more I looked, the more hopeless I felt. So many faces, yet so many needs that seem so scary to me.
I sent an email to my agency, but honestly, she didn't make me feel better. Then it hit me - Jesus has provided every step of the way. Miracle after miracle. Do I really think that after all of this, He wouldn't have a child for us? He has changed my husband's heart (which could have only been divine intervention), he provided the finances (we were convinced there was no way!), he changed my husband's heart again (probably harder than the first time), he continues to provide finances... I could go on and on. There have been so many provisions that were nothing short of miraculous. And yet through all of that, I think there is no way we will get a referral? What in the world is wrong with me?
Do I not know the Creator? The Provider? The very God that has moved mountain after mountain to bring our girl home? I do. I know Him and I know He is Faithful. I know He has a plan for me and a plan for Willa. He knows who she is... He has known since the beginning of time. He has destined her to be my daughter. He isn't going to let her join a different family. She is ours. One of us. When His time is perfect, then we will see her. I need to get out of His way and let Him work.
Do I think the CCAA intimidates my God? Of course not. Do I think the shared list is too daunting for Him? No way! So I need to stop my OCD in it's tracks and just trust.
Trust. Deep breaths... TRUST.