It is hard to believe it's a year since we received the call saying we had been matched. I never thought this time last year, that I would be embarking on the hardest year of my life. I never thought that we would face such trials and difficult times.
Just when I think I have healed and processed all that happened, I am broadsided by something that reminds me that the hurt and the pain are still very fresh and raw. I thought by this time our little girl would have been home six months, and finding her place in our family. Instead, I don't even know who our little girl is...
Then my thoughts drift to Xiao Xiao. I think of her often. More often than you could imagine. I wonder what she is doing. I wonder if her family has traveled yet. I wonder what it would have been like if we had of brought her home. I wish I could get an update on her and see how she is doing. A couple of weeks ago I dreamed about her. I dreamed that we decided we had made a huge mistake and we figured out a way to bring her home after all. She was here, living with us. It was like it was suppose to be. She was here and happy. She did not have the physical and mental needs we were faced with in China. She was just a little 5 year old girl that was now home with her family. When I woke up, my heart was literally hurting.
I so wish it could have been the way it was in my dream. I so wish that Xiao Xiao could have been Willa Hope. I hate that I left her. I hate that I didn't get to bring her home.
In the grand scheme of things, I know what happened was meant to be. I know that Xiao Xiao was never meant to be my daughter. I know that it was a part of the plan. Jesus knew all along that that child was not mine. All of that happened for a reason, I have faith in that. I still wish that it could have been different.
There is a hole in my heart for Xiao Xiao. She will always be so precious to me. Even if I couldn't be her mommy. I think back on my time with her, and I long to tell her so many things. I long to tell her that I am so sorry. I can only pray that soon she will know the love of a mommy and daddy. It breaks my heart that we aren't her family.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
JUDGEMENT
I have been thinking about that word a lot today... judgement. The more I think about it, the more I am bothered by it.
You see today, it seems that a lot of people believe they have a right to judge. I have heard several comments over the last couple of days that were extremely judgemental and it is really not sitting right in my spirit.
I don't believe anyone ever has the right to look at another's life or choices and consider themselves better for not having made the same choice. None of us are without sin. None of us live perfect lives. Who are we to look at someone else and think we are better?
Don't get me wrong, if you have someone in your life that is living in absolute sin, maybe you should privately talk to that person and say compassionately and lovingly that the choices they are making are not in line with the bible. That's not what I am talking about though. I am talking about the "holy high horse", if you will.
We all know it, because we've all been on it from time to time. Let me give you a personal example:
Years ago, I had a friend, a very close friend, that found herself in some trouble. She came to me during that time, when she needed me the most, for support and help. I decided that I could not stand by her and support her, because I did not agree it her decisions. I was on my "holy high horse" at that time, and I just couldn't be there for her. Now this was a perfect time to be the hands and feet of Jesus. This was a perfect time to love her and pray with her. To support and encourage her in Jesus. But, no. I turned my back on her. I judged.
I guess what I am trying to say is let's look at our own hearts. Let's treat and accept others the way Jesus treats and accepts others. When we feel the urge to judge someone, let's remind ourselves that there is only ONE judge.
Understand that not everyone thinks like you do. Not everyone will make the same decisions. Sometimes, people will chose things that may be out of your comfort zone, but that doesn't make them wrong. Just because you believe something is wrong or right, doesn't make it wrong or right. What does the bible say about it?
We all dress differently. We all parent differently. We are all trying to do our best in this world. Let's build one another up. Let's love each other. Because you never know when the table may turn and it's you that's being judged. I am pretty sure you won't like it.
You see today, it seems that a lot of people believe they have a right to judge. I have heard several comments over the last couple of days that were extremely judgemental and it is really not sitting right in my spirit.
I don't believe anyone ever has the right to look at another's life or choices and consider themselves better for not having made the same choice. None of us are without sin. None of us live perfect lives. Who are we to look at someone else and think we are better?
Don't get me wrong, if you have someone in your life that is living in absolute sin, maybe you should privately talk to that person and say compassionately and lovingly that the choices they are making are not in line with the bible. That's not what I am talking about though. I am talking about the "holy high horse", if you will.
We all know it, because we've all been on it from time to time. Let me give you a personal example:
Years ago, I had a friend, a very close friend, that found herself in some trouble. She came to me during that time, when she needed me the most, for support and help. I decided that I could not stand by her and support her, because I did not agree it her decisions. I was on my "holy high horse" at that time, and I just couldn't be there for her. Now this was a perfect time to be the hands and feet of Jesus. This was a perfect time to love her and pray with her. To support and encourage her in Jesus. But, no. I turned my back on her. I judged.
I guess what I am trying to say is let's look at our own hearts. Let's treat and accept others the way Jesus treats and accepts others. When we feel the urge to judge someone, let's remind ourselves that there is only ONE judge.
Understand that not everyone thinks like you do. Not everyone will make the same decisions. Sometimes, people will chose things that may be out of your comfort zone, but that doesn't make them wrong. Just because you believe something is wrong or right, doesn't make it wrong or right. What does the bible say about it?
We all dress differently. We all parent differently. We are all trying to do our best in this world. Let's build one another up. Let's love each other. Because you never know when the table may turn and it's you that's being judged. I am pretty sure you won't like it.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
MY NEW FAVORITE SONG
Brad gave me a cd a while ago with a bunch of new praise music he wants our church to do. I've listened to it a bunch, but it was not until recently that I actually listened to the words of this one song. It is powerful people. I mean so powerful, if I were not driving my car, I'd have to jump up with my hands raised to Jesus. Here are the lyrics...
KING OF THIS WORLD
by Jennie Lee Riddle and Crystal Yates © 2008
You find me in joy
You find me in sorrow
You’ve been seeking me today
You’ll be seeking me tomorrow
I find You in joy
I’ll find You in sorrow
I’ve been seeking You today
I’ll be seeking You tomorrow
King of this World
You're holding my hand
And as long as I hold on to You
I know I can stand
You find me in peace
You’ll find me in trouble
You will rescue me today
You will rescue me tomorrow
I find You in peace
I’ll find You in trouble
I will rest in You today
I will rest in You tomorrow
Because You’re here
I fear no evil
Because You’re here
The way is made straight
Because You’re here
There’s good for Your people
Because You’re here
Everything’s changed
Wow. That's good stuff. Everything's changed! Thank you Father!!
Here's the youtube video of the song, in case you want to hear it. It really is awesome!
KING OF THIS WORLD
by Jennie Lee Riddle and Crystal Yates © 2008
You find me in joy
You find me in sorrow
You’ve been seeking me today
You’ll be seeking me tomorrow
I find You in joy
I’ll find You in sorrow
I’ve been seeking You today
I’ll be seeking You tomorrow
King of this World
You're holding my hand
And as long as I hold on to You
I know I can stand
You find me in peace
You’ll find me in trouble
You will rescue me today
You will rescue me tomorrow
I find You in peace
I’ll find You in trouble
I will rest in You today
I will rest in You tomorrow
Because You’re here
I fear no evil
Because You’re here
The way is made straight
Because You’re here
There’s good for Your people
Because You’re here
Everything’s changed
Wow. That's good stuff. Everything's changed! Thank you Father!!
Here's the youtube video of the song, in case you want to hear it. It really is awesome!
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
GETTING IN THE WAY
People that know me in real life, know that I am not the most patient person on the planet. In fact, when I get my mind made up about something, it has to happen *right now*. I can't relax or think about anything else until I get or do whatever it is I am thinking about at that moment.
Sometimes I wonder if I am border line obsessive compulsive. I mean I don't wash my hands 1000 times a day or anything like that, but here is a example of what I mean: Leaving the house is always stressful for me. I am so worried I have left something on. Like the dryer or curling iron. Or that I have a candle burning somewhere. I also worry that I have left the dog out or the front door open. It isn't simple worry, it is intense worry. Sometimes I have to literally fight myself to not turn the car around to go home to check. There have been times when I have turned the car around because I am just so "obsessed" with checking and rechecking.
Today has been one of those days for me. I have literally obsessed all afternoon about a referral. Or lack of one, for that matter. I have successfully convinced myself that there is no way we can get a referral with the checklist we have submitted. I have checked a ton of waiting child sites today looking at some of the kids waiting. The more I looked, the more hopeless I felt. So many faces, yet so many needs that seem so scary to me.
I sent an email to my agency, but honestly, she didn't make me feel better. Then it hit me - Jesus has provided every step of the way. Miracle after miracle. Do I really think that after all of this, He wouldn't have a child for us? He has changed my husband's heart (which could have only been divine intervention), he provided the finances (we were convinced there was no way!), he changed my husband's heart again (probably harder than the first time), he continues to provide finances... I could go on and on. There have been so many provisions that were nothing short of miraculous. And yet through all of that, I think there is no way we will get a referral? What in the world is wrong with me?
Do I not know the Creator? The Provider? The very God that has moved mountain after mountain to bring our girl home? I do. I know Him and I know He is Faithful. I know He has a plan for me and a plan for Willa. He knows who she is... He has known since the beginning of time. He has destined her to be my daughter. He isn't going to let her join a different family. She is ours. One of us. When His time is perfect, then we will see her. I need to get out of His way and let Him work.
Do I think the CCAA intimidates my God? Of course not. Do I think the shared list is too daunting for Him? No way! So I need to stop my OCD in it's tracks and just trust.
Trust. Deep breaths... TRUST.
Sometimes I wonder if I am border line obsessive compulsive. I mean I don't wash my hands 1000 times a day or anything like that, but here is a example of what I mean: Leaving the house is always stressful for me. I am so worried I have left something on. Like the dryer or curling iron. Or that I have a candle burning somewhere. I also worry that I have left the dog out or the front door open. It isn't simple worry, it is intense worry. Sometimes I have to literally fight myself to not turn the car around to go home to check. There have been times when I have turned the car around because I am just so "obsessed" with checking and rechecking.
Today has been one of those days for me. I have literally obsessed all afternoon about a referral. Or lack of one, for that matter. I have successfully convinced myself that there is no way we can get a referral with the checklist we have submitted. I have checked a ton of waiting child sites today looking at some of the kids waiting. The more I looked, the more hopeless I felt. So many faces, yet so many needs that seem so scary to me.
I sent an email to my agency, but honestly, she didn't make me feel better. Then it hit me - Jesus has provided every step of the way. Miracle after miracle. Do I really think that after all of this, He wouldn't have a child for us? He has changed my husband's heart (which could have only been divine intervention), he provided the finances (we were convinced there was no way!), he changed my husband's heart again (probably harder than the first time), he continues to provide finances... I could go on and on. There have been so many provisions that were nothing short of miraculous. And yet through all of that, I think there is no way we will get a referral? What in the world is wrong with me?
Do I not know the Creator? The Provider? The very God that has moved mountain after mountain to bring our girl home? I do. I know Him and I know He is Faithful. I know He has a plan for me and a plan for Willa. He knows who she is... He has known since the beginning of time. He has destined her to be my daughter. He isn't going to let her join a different family. She is ours. One of us. When His time is perfect, then we will see her. I need to get out of His way and let Him work.
Do I think the CCAA intimidates my God? Of course not. Do I think the shared list is too daunting for Him? No way! So I need to stop my OCD in it's tracks and just trust.
Trust. Deep breaths... TRUST.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
WITH TEARS
So last night, I alternated staring at the phone and staring at the clock. Waiting. Hoping. Willing that phone to ring. It didn't. Honestly, I didn't expect it to. I just hoped it would.
So this morning, I got up feeling... deflated. Disappointed. Hopeless. I don't know why. I know MY Abba has this in His Hands. I know that He is on the throne and He is faithful. I know that, yet I was still feeling hopeless. I began to really doubt everything (yeah, just call me Thomas).
Then I checked the mail.
And that was when He showed Himself faithful to me, to her, once again. That is when He said, "Michele, just because you feel hopeless, that doesn't mean you are hopeless. Just because I am not working on your time table, it doesn't mean I am not working."
We received a letter from Show Hope. We have been awarded a $3,000 grant! I literally stood in my driveway and balled. He is working. Maybe not as quickly as I would like. His ways are perfect. Mine are not. When am I going to learn to just trust? Trust with no "buts".
Wanna know something else about that letter? It was dated 1/4/2011. It was postmarked 1/12/2011. It came 1/18/2011. It was written two weeks ago and mailed 6 days ago. It came from Tennessee. It should have come 1/14/2011. It takes two days for mail to reach me from TN. But it came today. Today, when I needed it more than ever. It also came completely open and dirty. It was a miracle that it came at all considering it was completely open. Jesus is in the details guys. He knew today my heart was breaking. He knew today, I would need to be encourage.
I am in awe. In awe of my sweet Father. He loves me more than I can even imagine. He loves Willa just as much.
Praise Jesus!
So this morning, I got up feeling... deflated. Disappointed. Hopeless. I don't know why. I know MY Abba has this in His Hands. I know that He is on the throne and He is faithful. I know that, yet I was still feeling hopeless. I began to really doubt everything (yeah, just call me Thomas).
Then I checked the mail.
And that was when He showed Himself faithful to me, to her, once again. That is when He said, "Michele, just because you feel hopeless, that doesn't mean you are hopeless. Just because I am not working on your time table, it doesn't mean I am not working."
We received a letter from Show Hope. We have been awarded a $3,000 grant! I literally stood in my driveway and balled. He is working. Maybe not as quickly as I would like. His ways are perfect. Mine are not. When am I going to learn to just trust? Trust with no "buts".
Wanna know something else about that letter? It was dated 1/4/2011. It was postmarked 1/12/2011. It came 1/18/2011. It was written two weeks ago and mailed 6 days ago. It came from Tennessee. It should have come 1/14/2011. It takes two days for mail to reach me from TN. But it came today. Today, when I needed it more than ever. It also came completely open and dirty. It was a miracle that it came at all considering it was completely open. Jesus is in the details guys. He knew today my heart was breaking. He knew today, I would need to be encourage.
I am in awe. In awe of my sweet Father. He loves me more than I can even imagine. He loves Willa just as much.
Praise Jesus!
Monday, January 17, 2011
MY HOT HUBBY LEADING WORSHIP
He's so cute, I can't stand it! Add in the fact that he is worshipping Jesus with his talent, makes him even more awesome! Check out the video!
Oh, and two posts in one day? Yeah, when I come back, I come back BIG. LOL!
BAD BLOGGER
I know I am the world's worst blogger. I really have good intentions. We have been traveling, kids have been sick, out of town visitors... those are all my excuses. Really, they are pretty good ones... LOL.
Other than all of our busy-ness, we have been pretty good. With our travels and sick kids, my kids have missed a ton of school. We started 2011 off a little ahead, which felt great. Well, not anymore! My kids missed all of last week, and by the looks of it, Jackson is going to miss this one. I suppose that is the beauty of homeschooling. Speaking of homeschooling, I need to find something to supplement with Jackson for spelling. Does anyone have any suggestions? Anyone have a child that struggles with spelling that can share ideas or resources? If so, please share!
On the adoption front, China will release the new shared list tonight. I am actually pretty relaxed considering I could actually see Willa's face TODAY. Honestly though, I don't feel like tonight is going to be "it" for us. Maybe that is why I feel so peaceful about it? It just doesn't seem like it will happen tonight. At this point, I just want to know the outcome. Will we? Wont we? Either way, I trust in Jesus' timing. I just hate the anticipation and waiting. I feel like I am waiting to take a pregnancy test. It could be positive, it could be negative. You just have to wait it out. I am not good at waiting it out. LOL.
If we get our "positive" tonight, I will be sure to share as much as I can tomorrow! Pray for us! In His time!
Other than all of our busy-ness, we have been pretty good. With our travels and sick kids, my kids have missed a ton of school. We started 2011 off a little ahead, which felt great. Well, not anymore! My kids missed all of last week, and by the looks of it, Jackson is going to miss this one. I suppose that is the beauty of homeschooling. Speaking of homeschooling, I need to find something to supplement with Jackson for spelling. Does anyone have any suggestions? Anyone have a child that struggles with spelling that can share ideas or resources? If so, please share!
On the adoption front, China will release the new shared list tonight. I am actually pretty relaxed considering I could actually see Willa's face TODAY. Honestly though, I don't feel like tonight is going to be "it" for us. Maybe that is why I feel so peaceful about it? It just doesn't seem like it will happen tonight. At this point, I just want to know the outcome. Will we? Wont we? Either way, I trust in Jesus' timing. I just hate the anticipation and waiting. I feel like I am waiting to take a pregnancy test. It could be positive, it could be negative. You just have to wait it out. I am not good at waiting it out. LOL.
If we get our "positive" tonight, I will be sure to share as much as I can tomorrow! Pray for us! In His time!
Thursday, January 6, 2011
ALL OVER THE PLACE
All over the place... that's where my brain is at the moment. I feel like my brain has ADD. LOL. Of course it could be the constant chatter in my ear. For instance, like right now. I thought it would be a good time to catch up in the blog world. I made us some hot tea, grabbed my laptop and sat at the table. Julianna is on one end of the table, with her tea, coloring. Jackson is between us, just sitting with his tea. Between the two of them, they have not stopped talking. To me. They really think I am the master of multi-tasking, but I can't tell you how many times I have typed what they said. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't have it any other way. But, sometimes a girl would like a moment of quiet. Just a moment. To think, to pray, to potty. You know how it is... Of course, on the other hand, the things you learn about your kids when you are just sitting with them! Anna told me that Jackson peed in the woods. Jackson, quickly jumping to his defense, tells me that it was an emergency. Never mind the fact that our house is as close as the woods. Boys, gotta love them. Truth be told, I am a little jealous. Anyway...
When I sat down, I had full intentions of sharing some things that have been on my heart. That isn't going to happen. Jameson just woke up, and the Fed Ex guy just delivered a birthday gift to Jackson from my mom. It needs to be assembled. And the chattering? Yeah, times three now. I guess my other post can wait until tonight.
When I sat down, I had full intentions of sharing some things that have been on my heart. That isn't going to happen. Jameson just woke up, and the Fed Ex guy just delivered a birthday gift to Jackson from my mom. It needs to be assembled. And the chattering? Yeah, times three now. I guess my other post can wait until tonight.
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