OCTOBER

Only an hour and a half left in October 2011. Can I tell you how freakin' happy I will be to see it leave? Yeah, very. The shared list released tonight - funny thing, turns out it actually sucks more not waiting on a call, than it does waiting on the phone to ring.

Ok, rant over. I am moving on to why October was awesome. 

We decided to sign our boys up for karate. We have tried to be so diligent to save money over the last couple of years for our adoption, we didn't do a lot of extra curricular activities with the kids.  With them being home schooled, we really felt it was important  to get them out of the house and with other kids. Jackson has been asking about karate for a while, so we thought that would be a good fit.

Of course Jameson wanted to "play karate", too. So they officially started last week. They *love* it! I got to sit in on their classes and it was so great. I really think Jackson will benefit from the discipline and focus. It seems perfect for an 8 year old boy. And, I have to say, seeing Jameson in his little uniform brought back some memories... Check it out:

            My Sweet Baby

                                                       Johnny, from the original Karate Kid

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!! Oh that kills me. Too funny. The whole time I was watching Jameson in his class I kept looking for Mr. Miyagi or Daniel!

                                                    Here are my boys together. Love them!

Julianna decided that she wanted to do art lessons. We have tried a few things with her, but she never really seemed to find "her thing". I have to say, I think art is going to be it. She loves creating. She had her first lesson this afternoon, and she had the greatest time!  Today was the greatest day of her life, lol! She got new barbies (thanks Gus and Gigi for the halloween money), new art class, and trick or treating! Ahh... to be a 6 year old again. I didn't take photos of her at her class, so I will share a couple of halloween photos instead!

It is so sweet to see them so happy, doing something they really enjoy. They are such good kids. They have been so giving and humble during the last couple of years. It makes me feel good to seem the smiles on their little faces. They deserve it!

A BREAK

The last three weeks have been incredibly difficult. I have literally been brought to my knees, begging God to fix all the things that were (are) broken.

I know that He is faithful. I know He is trustworthy. He has a plan for my life, for my family. Even though we are going through a very difficult season.

We have been really struggling since deciding that we couldn't move forward with our referral. I am just not sure where we stand and what it all means. Not to mention all the other things that have come up.

It's all just too much. We have decided to take a little break from our adoption journey. We just need to step away from it for a bit. With all of the other stuff we are dealing with, we just can't do it all.

Please pray for us during this season.  I will continue to blog - but be forewarned! It will be a lot of fun, sweet posts about my family. I am going to be doing a lot of snuggling, playing, and making up for lost time with my babies and my hubby. They haven't gotten the best of me lately. And you know what? They deserve my very best.

I am putting my pain, my stress, my uncertainty, my bad attitude, our adoption, our future, and everything else that is sucking the life out of me at my Savior's feet.  I am giving it to him. And for the first time in a long time, I am walking away.

EVER JUST NEED A GOOD CRY?

Yeah, I'm there. It just seems like everything happens at once.  Let me run down the last week -

*Found out that we couldn't move forward with the referral we received.
*Found out my mom fell down an entire flight of stairs.
*Julianna gets sick.
*Water company calls - it "appears" we have a leak.
*After investigating, we do have a leak. We just don't know where.
*Our dog has been sick.

Seriously. It's enough to make a person looney. Along with all of that comes worry for me. I am just naturally a worrier. I try not to be, I just can't help it.

I am worried about my mom. She really messed up her foot. I am really worried about why/how she fell. Did she just lose her footing? Or, did she black out? She has a strong family history of brain aneurysms (her mom and two sisters), and it just makes me worry. She promises me that she just tripped - it was dark and she recalls it all happening even though she was unconscious when she reached the bottom.  Other than her foot, she really seems fine now though.

Julianna is better, thank goodness. I just hate it when one of my babies gets sick.

We aren't sure about the leak yet. It appears to be outside, there are no indications that it is in the house. We do have an area of our yard that stays wet. So it is probably there. My worry is how much is it going to cost to fix it?

And don't get me started on the adoption stuff.  Ugh.

I think a good cry would do me some good.

REMEMBER THE RAM?

Remember this post, Sweet Words from a Sweet God? Well, humbly, I can say He has spoken to my heart again. Funny, how He works sometimes.

I, again, got an email with a devotional a few days ago from Proverbs 31 Ministries. For some reason, I didn't even open the email until tonight. I was getting ready for bed, quietly talking to my Savior. My heart has been so burdened lately. I feel like I am walking in the dark, trying to feel my way around. It's just been a sad, soul searching week for me. I was sharing my heart in my prayer, pleading with Jesus to give me some direction. I needed a clear word from Him, not my own emotions and feelings.

So I sat down with my laptop and decided to open the devotional from the other day. I am just going to copy and paste it here. It was exactly what I needed to hear:

“Nevertheless, we must run aground on some island.” Acts 27:26 (NIV)

Have you ever been going along, intent in your calling, certain of your direction, sure of God’s goodness, only to have something happen that throws you completely off course?

When my husband and I resolved to become financially sound, we were dismayed to quickly have an appliance break, shelling out the entire emergency fund we’d built up to repair it. Instead of moving forward we were going backwards.

We had two choices to make at that moment: thank God that we had the money to cover the repair or doubt God’s sovereignty in allowing the appliance to break.

In the book of Acts, chapter twenty-seven, Paul tells the people he is traveling with that God has called them to their mission. Not only that, he is certain the Holy Spirit is on their side. And yet, for reasons he doesn’t go into, we read in our key verse that he also tells them they must run aground, which means they’d be delayed on some island before their purpose would be accomplished.

This delay, it turns out, is part of the plan. This setback is actually sovereign. But of course at that moment they can’t see that. All they can see is a looming shipwreck, a deserted island.

Perhaps you are on your own deserted island—a personal exile that has been painful and prolonged. You wonder if God sees where you are, if He cares. You remember the time you were moving along, the wind in your sails, full speed ahead. And you miss that time. You wish God would rescue you from the island, put you back on course. Perhaps you’re beginning to doubt God really does have a plan for you.

I don’t know what your deserted island looks like. It might be the desolation of a marriage, the barren land of motherhood, the wasteland of a career. It might be the emptiness of simply not knowing what your purpose—your passion—really is, even as you watch other women seem to steam forward.

When I start to feel this way, I think about this verse. I remember that even Paul ran aground, even Paul faced setbacks. But I also remember that the island wasn’t the end of the story. Rescue was coming. Running aground doesn’t mean you’ve run outside of God’s will. It might just mean you are exactly where you’re supposed to be. Use this time to increase your trust in God and to see Him work on your behalf, even when the palm trees obscure your view.

Thank you Lord for my setback. Thank you that through this setback, I will know you better. You have a plan, even if I can't see it. You are faithful. You are trustworthy. You are working mightily on our behalf. I will rest in you.

**edited to add - so I decided to read Acts 27, want to know the verse before the one in my devotional? It's a good one!

25 Therefore keep up your courage, men, for I have faith in Godt that it will be just as I have been told.

Woo HOO! I love it when He speaks to me!

MOUNTAINS

As time goes on, I become more and more aware of the giant mountains in front of me. I thought that all of the mountains were gone.  Naively, I thought that once we began our adoption journey for the second time,  it would be smooth sailing. I thought it would all fall into place, because after all that happened, we deserved it. I couldn't have been more wrong.

We can't "buy" good times, just because we endured bad times. Unfortunately, when we left China without Xiao Xiao, little did I know our bad times were just beginning. Exactly a year ago today I wrote this post, Frantic. Here I am a year later feeling the exact same way - except worse. Today, I am more aware of all the obstacles and fears that invade my every thought:

*Fear that we will never find our Jocelyn Willa.
*Fear of timing.
*Obstacle of finances (we are still way short).
*Fear of losing my sanity from all of this.

Seriously, it is beginning to feel like the walls are closing in on me. How in the world are we ever going to overcome all of that?

Truth is, we can't. In my own power I can do nothing. I do not stand a chance. I do not have the power to overcome all of that on my own. Are the odds against us? Absolutely. I do not have authority over the CCCWA. I do not have endless amounts of money.

But, I know someone who does. I have a Father that can MOVE MOUNTAINS just by speaking. My Father has authority over Heaven and Earth - and that means the Ch*nese Government, too.  You know what else? My Father owns the cattle on a thousand hills (Psalm 50:10).

When we do finally receive Jocelyn in our arms (because we will!) - you know what? It will be only because of Jesus' power. His authority. His finances. He alone will receive the glory! And you know what else? That makes every minute, every doubt, every hardship of this wait worth it!

HE MOVES MOUNTAINS!

HOME

Well, we actually have been home since Tuesday. I have been busy fall cleaning. I am not sure why, but I couldn't wait to get home and embrace FALL! Cooler temps, pumpkin pie candles, soup, fall decorations - you know, all the great things that come this time of year.

Not much else going on. Unfortunately.  Actually, that isn't entirely true.

On our trip Brad tells me that he doesn't love the name Willa. Um, ok. LOL. He said it's ok, but he agreed to it because he knows how dear it is to me. So, I asked him what he wanted to name our baby girl. Without hesitating, he said, "Jocelyn."  We have talked about that name before. In fact, we considered it for Jameson, before we knew he was a boy - that was a long time ago!

So after a lot of discussion, we have decided that our little Chinese treasure will officially be named Jocelyn Willa. I truly love that name, and I love that it is a J name, just like my other little treasures.

But, the best part? The giddy look on my sweet husband's face when we made it official. It truly makes my heart smile to know that our little girl was named by her daddy. Her BaBa.  Love. It!

Oh, one more thing - could you pray for us these next few days? We need a lot of prayer about something specific, I just can't give the details here. Jesus knows though. If you have just a minute, would you please pray that God will move in a mighty way, and that His will, will be done in a specific matter for us? THANK YOU!

A LITTLE GET AWAY

Ahh... relaxation... It's a beautiful thing, isn't it? Brad has a work conference this week in Orlando. At first, I just assumed that he could come alone, while I stayed home with the kids. With us saving every free penny for our adoption, there was just no way we could plan a trip to Orlando.

I told Brad I would help make arrangements for him. You know, back in the pre-adoption days, we would come down to Orlando a couple times a year. I know my way around here better than I know my way around the town I live in!

Anyway, I started looking for hotels and such. Brad had a set conference budget, so it was important to stretch his money as far as it would go. The hotel that is hosting the conference was offering rooms for $129 a night.  I knew I could do better than that. So I got busy, and I actually found him a condo to rent for $62 a night! The beauty of that? It is a three bedroom condo! So we decided that we would all come. We could hang out at the condo, just as easily as we could hang out at our house. So here we are!

We started planning this trip months ago. Since we knew that we were coming, we decided to use our Disney Visa like a check card to accumulate points. We were very careful to pay off each transaction, and use it just like we would a debit card. Right after we decided to do that, we got a promotion in the mail offering like 3 times the rewards. So we racked up the points! We ended up with enough to do something really fun while we are here. We aren't 100% sure what that will be yet. Brad is tied up all day tomorrow, but he will be free some on Thursday.  Then on Friday, his conference is over at noon. That evening, my in-laws are coming to spend the weekend here with us. I am so excited. We always have a great time with them.

It really feels good to get away from "life" for a little bit. We just got here today. I went to the grocery store and bought us food. For dinner, the kids had a lunchable and I had a can of soup. You know what? It was delicious ! LOL! Now I am sitting here with my laptop, resting and enjoying just being here. Plus, my kids were so beat, they went to bed at 7:30! It's so quiet!

I am not sure what we will be doing tomorrow. The condo we are staying at has a really nice pool. We had to close our pool at home because the water temp was just too cold. So, the kids are looking forward to swimming here. Maybe I will drag my kids to Ikea. HAHA. Whatever we end up doing, I am just glad that we are here.

I really needed some away time. Life has been hard for a while.  I am looking forward to enjoying my children and enjoying my favorite city on Earth!