Tuesday, September 28, 2010


Frantic is the only word that I can think of to describe the way I feel. I like I am desperately swimming (against a current) to get to her, and the harder I swim, the further away she is. This panic wells up inside of me, and there is nothing I can do about it. 

I long for her. I love her just as if I had given birth to her myself. Yet, I have never seen her. I do not know her name. The love is very real, however. Sadly, no matter how desperate I feel, or how empty I feel, it doesn't matter. She is a world away and there is no way I can get to her. Not now at least.

It is the most horrible feeling. I completely trust Jesus, but at the same time, I am desperate to understand. 

His ways are not our ways. I only see the here and now, He sees the whole picture. I have to trust that he has a purpose and all of this has meaning. If I don't believe that, I will lose my mind.

I just have to pray that He will reveal Himself and His purpose to us. Hopefully, He will do that soon. I am not sure how long I can keep swimming. 


Valerie and Jeff said...

Have you ever swam in the ocean? That salt water really makes you float nearly effortlessly. Don't stop swimming ... just swim where you are bouyed in Spirit.

1 Peter 5:6-7
6Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. 7Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Please give your anxiety over to God--Ask Him to show you the What? When? Who? and How? of it all. He is doing a great work in you ... keep the faith!

Tara. said...

I can't imagine the feelings you're having. Praying for peace for you, praying God will reveal himself to you and give you some answers, some guidence, some direction in all of this. There is a sweet girl out there for your family, I just know it!

Tara Anderson said...

Remember to wait on God to show off His glory...not for the event to unfold! That is the way to renew your strength, and rise up on wings like an eagle. You won't have to swim, you'll be soaring! :)

Love you and I'm praying for you!!!

Courtney said...

Hi Michele, I wanted to let you know that I am praying for you. I can't imagine the heartache you have gone through, and I pray that you and your husband will be able to make the right decision about your adoption with the Lord's leading.

Courtney (MCK over on RQ)