I just have to blog about this ... I am just in awe.
On Saturday, I found a lump in my breast while I was showering. My first thought was, hmmm... that doesn't feel right. Well, it didn't take long for full on panic to set in. I am young, 36, no family history of cancer at all. Most normal people would be a little concerned but would just make a mental note to call the doctor on Monday if it wasn't better. Most normal people. I clearly do not fall into that category. I fall into the "I am an absolute lunatic with no hope of ever being normal." category. By lunch time, I was absolutely consumed with fear. I was convinced of the worst case scenario. Every time I looked at one of my children, I burst into tears. My mind went crazy.
So fast forward to Monday morning. I call the doctor and they are willing to see me at 2 (2? GAH!). Two o'clock finally rolls around and I see the doctor. He felt the lump and says, "Let's schedule an ultrasound." He hands me my check out paper, and that was it. WHAT? No kind words to talk me off the ledge? No statistic like 80% of breast lumps are benign? Nothing? So go check out and the lady calls the diagnostic center to schedule my u/s. She looks at me as says, "How about Thursday?" I just dropped my head and didn't say a word. I could not speak. I hear her ask the lady on the phone if she had anything sooner. So the lady tells her to hold on... for 1000 minutes. Ok, not really, but it felt like it. She finally comes back and says I could come right then. During that 1000 minutes, I was praying, literally begging God to let it be today. I would surely die if I had to wait until Thursday. Did I mention that I lost 3 pounds since Saturday? Anyway, praise Jesus, I could go then.
So I get there and I wait maybe 10 minutes. They were so kind and comforting. I ended up with a mammogram and an ultrasound. The radiologist came in and said that it was a benign cyst. In fact, there were multiple cysts. He also wanted to do another ultrasound on the other breast just to have a baseline. So all is ok.
It made me think... why was it all ok? What did I do to deserve to be cancer free when so many other women are not so lucky? Then it occurred to me that it had nothing to do with that. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve any of the blessings that my sweet Jesus gives me. That is the beauty of it - I serve a God that doesn't give me what I deserve. Instead, He gives me grace. Mercy. Favor. Salvation.
I am humbled and eternally grateful for His favor today. I have to tell you though - if the outcome were different, I would still trust Jesus. I would still know that ALL things work for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). Even in devastating moments, even in losses that cripple us, even in the times when we think we can not handle another minute of it. He is still GOOD. He still has a plan. He is still showing us His favor and faithfulness.
Ultimate worse case scenario - I would be with my Savior face to face. If we set our hearts and minds on Him and eternity, it changes our perspective. Don't get me wrong, I am so delighted to receive my good news today. So relieved!! I am just saying that it just made me re-think things. If in His presence is my worst case scenario - then that gives me such Peace!