So now that I am home and well rested - it has hit. The grief. I knew it would come, I just wasn't sure when. It has been the strangest thing. I am still processing all the feelings and questions. Some days, I feel like the journey is complete. And honestly, on those days, I am content with that. I am content just knowing that Jesus had (HAS!) a plan, and it worked out just as He planned for it to. Even though, I can't see what that plan was, I trust Him. And I am content.
Then other days, it hurts so bad I feel like I can't breath. Her absence is killing me. Everything we had planned for later this summer included her - and now it doesn't. It is devastating. Her clothes hanging in her closet, or her bed made up with her teddy bear waiting... it feels like something is pressing in on my chest and I can't catch my breath.
I don't know what to do. My husband is done, like 100% done. The thought of not being on the same page as him is also devastating. We've done that, and I never want to go there again. Not to mention even if we were on the same page, maybe I am not cut out for this. Maybe the risks are too great. I don't know. Then, of course there is the financial aspect of it - even if we wanted to, we couldn't go back there now. I would never travel without my family again, and the cost is staggering.
When I write all of this down, I see the odds are totally stacked against me. The biggest mountains are once again in the way. Maybe this is my answer, and I should just grieve and move on.
I don't know. I go back and forth, literally, every day. This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I know this post seems incredibly selfish. I don't mean it that way, I just thought writing it out might help me process it some.
Anyway, that is where I am today. Just missing a little girl that I have wanted for so long...