Wednesday, August 11, 2010

TOUGH TIME

I am having a really tough time. I guess while I was in China, I was just desperate to get home. I think my instincts kicked in - I knew I had to take care of Julianna and be strong for her. All I could think about was getting home and seeing my boys. 

So now that I am home and well rested - it has hit. The grief. I knew it would come, I just wasn't sure when. It has been the strangest thing. I am still processing all the feelings and questions. Some days, I feel like the journey is complete. And honestly, on those days, I am content with that. I am content just knowing that Jesus had (HAS!) a plan, and it worked out just as He planned for it to. Even though, I can't see what that plan was, I trust Him. And I am content.

Then other days, it hurts so bad I feel like I can't breath. Her absence is killing me. Everything we had planned for later this summer included her - and now it doesn't. It is devastating. Her clothes hanging in her closet, or her bed made up with her teddy bear waiting... it feels like something is pressing in on my chest and I can't catch my breath. 

I don't know what to do. My husband is done, like 100% done. The thought of not being on the same page as him is also devastating. We've done that, and I never want to go there again. Not to mention even if we were on the same page, maybe I am not cut out for this. Maybe the risks are too great. I don't know. Then, of course there is the financial aspect of it - even if we wanted to, we couldn't go back there now. I would never travel without my family again, and the cost is staggering. 

When I write all of this down, I see the odds are totally stacked against me. The biggest mountains are once again in the way. Maybe this is my answer, and I should just grieve and move on. 

I don't know. I go back and forth, literally, every day. This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I know this post seems incredibly selfish. I don't mean it that way, I just thought writing it out might help me process it some. 

Anyway, that is where I am today. Just missing a little girl that I have wanted for so long...

10 comments:

Tara Anderson said...

Grief is a big part of it Michele, so give yourself all the time you need to grieve. I know you want to put this experience in a nice little box and plan ahead, but it may take awhile before God's FULL plan is revealed. Maybe this is it...maybe it isn't. But one thing is for certain: God won't leave you hanging. He will reveal His plans to you in HIS perfect time.

I love you and I'm praying for you!!!

Chrissy said...

I was just thinking about you last night, wondering how you were grieving. You're going through such a difficult time, and it is normal and even healthy to feel that sadness and grief. I hope you are taking care of yourself, and leaning on the Father through all of this. Don't try to figure out the 'why' or the 'what's next', just rest and recover and heal. Praying for you my friend.

Tara. said...

You are not selfish at all, you're just heart broken and that's OK. I hate that things didn't turn out the way you wanted them to. And I hate that it's all up in the air again.

Just take it one day at a time and allow God to lead you. I think you're doing exactly as you should be doing now, grieving and processing. You're grieving a loss and that takes time for your heart to heal from.

I'm here for you and we continue to pray for your family. If you need anything, you know where to find me.

Bill and Linda said...

You grieve as long as you need to. You and your family have suffered a loss. Your blog is called He Moves Mountains and He does. My husband didn't want to adopt and I waited 23 years before he was ready. I prayed and God answered my prayers.

God will show you what to do and whether it's His will for you to move on or wait for another child.

Even in a NSN adoption it can be difficult but Our God is a great God and He meets our every need. I know that you know that since I have been reading your blog for a while.

Hang in there and lean on Him for everything!

julie said...

Michele,
My heart breaks for you and please know that you are not being selfish. The following poem is kind of long, but it seems fitting right now. I have had this poem hanging on our fridge for the last several years and I read it every day.

Wait
by Russell Kelfer

Desperately,helplessly, longingly I cried
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I plead and I wept for a clue to my fate....
and the Master so gently said, "Wait"

"Wait? You say wait?" my indignant reply
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!"
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

My future and all to which I relate
hangs in the balance and you ask me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign
Or even a 'no', to which I'll resign.

You promise, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need, but to ask, and we shall receive.
Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry,
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply.

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
as my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
and grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting...for what?"

He seemed then to kneel and His eyes met with mine...
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know me.
You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint.
You'd not know the power I give to the faint.

You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
you'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in me
when darkness and silence are all that you see.

You'd never experience the fullness of love
when the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, as a start,
but you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort late into the night,
the faith that I give when you walk without sight,
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

You'd never know should your pain quickly flee
what it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
but, oh, the loss, if I lost what I'm doing in you.

So, be silent my child, and in time you will see
that the greatest of gifts is to truly know Me.
And though oft my answers seem terribly late
My most precious answer of all is still "Wait."

From all of us with love said...

I am so sorry for your families loss. Words cannot express my sorrow for your loss. I am praying for you all as you heal from your loss. I do not know you personally, but, as a sister in Christ I am praying for your current season. Please keep sharing and reaching out for prayer and support.

The Raudenbush Family said...

I just checked in on your blog and I didn't realize that there was a loss. I scrolled back to try to find out what happened, but I couldn't find it.

I'm so sorry that you are grieving and things aren't the way they were "supposed to be" Know that He has you in His hands and knows every tear you have cried and every pain of your heart.

There is a new Christian adoption website called www.wearegraftedin.com that has a forum. I know that there is at least one woman I know of there who has had the experience of having to say no to a child in China. I'm sure she would be willing to talk with you if you are interested.
Praying for you right now,
Kelly

Chelsea said...

I have missed something here and I don't know what it is, but I am so sorry. I can not even imagine what you must be going through if you came home without your daughter for whatever reason. I will be praying for you every morning for peace and understanding.

TanyaLea said...

OMGoodness Michelle...

Where have I been?! I am SO sorry to hear of your loss. I'm not sure what the change of events were, but these last posts were not what I was expecting to be reading about when I visited here. Having been there through the beginning of your journey and praying you through so much of it, my heart is aching for the pain I'm certain you have been feeling. I wish I knew the details so that I could pray more direct. I feel so lost. But that's my own fault for being away over the summer. And I completely understand why you want to be away from other adoption blogs now. I can only imagine. But I love your latest post and the scripture that God gave you...and I love that you were able to cry and let it all out. I pray that it brings healing and renewed hope for the future, and that His plan is revealed to you soon. Please know that you can email me, call me, whatever... It's clear you are not alone and that many of our fellow blog friends have been here in support... but know that even in my abscence, that I still care about you SO much and that I am and will be lifting you up in prayer. You are a special friend and it pains me to see what you are going through. If you are ready to talk, know I'm still here for ya.

Sending big hugs your way.
<><
Love ya,
~Tanya

thomclan@cfaith.com

Jenn said...

Michele,

I was cleaning out some really old emails and I found an email you had sent to me over a year ago. I realized I hadn't checked on your blog for a long time, and so I came to check on you and see how you were doing. I don't know what has happened, but I will be praying for you and your family! I know now that the Lord directed me back to your blog for this very reason!!

I'm lifting you up in prayer!!

Blessings,
Jenn