GETTING IN THE GROOVE

We started school last Monday. Our big ol' box of curriculum came from Sonlight week before last, and I could hardly wait to start!

We decided that Jackson and Julianna would share a core (Geography, History, Bible, and Science) and then have separate math, language arts and handwriting. Because they are so close in age, they are able to share those core subjects (the core is for grades K - 2). It makes things super easy.

Here are my littles on their first day:

Of course you can't go to school (or downstairs as it is in our case) without a purse! LOL! Anyway, we are enjoying the curriculum so far. It is very thorough! It feels sooooo good to be back into the swing of things. It is going to take my kids a little while and a lot of beatings to really break their bad summer habits though.

HE FOUND ME

Remember in my last post that said I couldn't seem to find Peace, even though I knew where to look? Well, yesterday, after I posted that, I had a long "talk" with my hubby.  Throughout all of this, I have not really cried. I would cry here or there, but mostly, I just ached. Well, yesterday I finally had that release that I so needed. I cried harder than I have cried in a very long time. 


After that, I just felt better. It was very cleansing. Anyway, fast forward to last night, I stumbled across Isaiah 43:18 -19. It says: 18 -Do not remember the past events, pay no attention to things of old. 19 - Look, I am about to do something new; even now it is coming. Do you not see it? 


Well then. No Lord, I did not see it. Thank you for reminding me that YOU are still on the throne! YOU are still working on our behalf! The funny thing about this particular scripture is it from Isaiah 43. Over a year ago, before Brad came to me and said he felt we were suppose to adopt, I clung to a specific scripture. Guess where it was? Yeah, Isaiah 43. Except it was in the beginning of that very same chapter, in that very same book. It was Isaiah 43:5 - Do not fear, for I am with you; I will bring your children from the east and I will gather you from the west. 


Is it coincidental that my sweet Abba had a word for me last night in the very same book, very same chapter of the Bible that he had for me so long ago? No, I do not believe so. He found me. Even when I did not have the strength to go searching for Him. He came to me. Actually, that is not true - He never left me. Last night, he made that evident.


I went to a concert tonight that our praise band put on. My husband was leading worship and he said that "God of My Days" was one of his favorite songs. Let me share the lyrics with you:


You awaken my heart
From slumbering
Meet me in mourning
And you speak to my grief

You're the light in my darkness
The delight of my eyes
The hope of the daybreak
When the sun's slow to rise

(Chorus)
I trust that every moment's in your hands
You're the God of my days
The King of my nights
Lord of my laughter
Sovereign in sorrow
You're the Prince of my praise
The love of my life
You never leave me
You are faithful
God of my days

You unveil my eyes
Help me to see
The arms of my Father
Encircling me
You're a constant companion
I am never alone
Your love is the banner
That's leading me home

(Chorus)

My eyes are on You
My hope is in You
My faith is in You
My eyes are on You
My hope is in You
My faith is in You


He unveils my eyes to help me to see the arms of my Father encircling me. He did just that. Not only do I see my Father's arms, I feel them. I feel the Peace that I so desperately needed. And you know what? It gave me just the strength I needed to fight on. 

I'M STILL HERE

I was hopeful as time went on, I would feel better each day. I would be creating distance between me and our trip to China, our adoption. Because of that distance, I would begin to feel more "normal". Unfortunately, that isn't the case at all.

Instead, I feel more and more sad. It is the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about as I close my eyes at night. This last month and a half has been the hardest of my life. It really started before I left for China. With the hospitalization of Xiao before we left until now. I am so ready for peace. 

I know where to look for that Peace, yet somehow I feel like I can't. I desperately want to know His direction and plan for us, but at the same time, I can't seem to do what I need to do. 

I don't know, I am sure this post makes no sense. Honestly, my thoughts do not make sense. I am just back and forth. 

I wanted to tell everyone whose blog I visit, I probably wont be visiting for a while. I need to step away for a while from all things adoption related. I am torturing myself reading blogs, following other's journeys to their children, etc... So I am going to try to eliminate that stuff from my life for a while. I am hoping it will help. Please don't be offended if I don't stop by and leave a comment. Hopefully, I will be able to visit again soon.

Hopefully, soon, I will begin to feel normal. Hopefully, soon, I will have some clarity. 

TOUGH TIME

I am having a really tough time. I guess while I was in China, I was just desperate to get home. I think my instincts kicked in - I knew I had to take care of Julianna and be strong for her. All I could think about was getting home and seeing my boys. 

So now that I am home and well rested - it has hit. The grief. I knew it would come, I just wasn't sure when. It has been the strangest thing. I am still processing all the feelings and questions. Some days, I feel like the journey is complete. And honestly, on those days, I am content with that. I am content just knowing that Jesus had (HAS!) a plan, and it worked out just as He planned for it to. Even though, I can't see what that plan was, I trust Him. And I am content.

Then other days, it hurts so bad I feel like I can't breath. Her absence is killing me. Everything we had planned for later this summer included her - and now it doesn't. It is devastating. Her clothes hanging in her closet, or her bed made up with her teddy bear waiting... it feels like something is pressing in on my chest and I can't catch my breath. 

I don't know what to do. My husband is done, like 100% done. The thought of not being on the same page as him is also devastating. We've done that, and I never want to go there again. Not to mention even if we were on the same page, maybe I am not cut out for this. Maybe the risks are too great. I don't know. Then, of course there is the financial aspect of it - even if we wanted to, we couldn't go back there now. I would never travel without my family again, and the cost is staggering. 

When I write all of this down, I see the odds are totally stacked against me. The biggest mountains are once again in the way. Maybe this is my answer, and I should just grieve and move on. 

I don't know. I go back and forth, literally, every day. This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I know this post seems incredibly selfish. I don't mean it that way, I just thought writing it out might help me process it some. 

Anyway, that is where I am today. Just missing a little girl that I have wanted for so long...

GOOD THERAPY

It's the small things in life, right? First of all, I *love* Tyler Perry. Love. Him. I think he is a comedic genius. Anyway, so naturally I love the characters he creates. Madea and Mr. Brown - they are my favorite. Anyway, I stumbled across this the other day. I have never laughed so hard.

Maybe most people wont get it, but you have to watch. It is too much!

COME ON!

Jackson has a loft bed in his room. It is really cool and perfect for him. Jameson's bed is under the loft bed. The arrangement seems to work well. Yesterday, Jameson (3) told me he climbed up the "letter" to turn off Jack Jack's fan. I told him that he is not allowed to do that, because he could fall and get hurt. So this morning, what does Jameson do? He climbed up the ladder and fell. He is a bit of a "drama queen" so I brushed him off all morning. He said his foot hurt, and he refused to put weight on it all morning. Now, in my defense, when he scrapes his knee, he does the same thing. One time he sat for 24 hours refusing to stand because he fell on the sidewalk and scrapped his knee. I don't recall it even bleeding that time. Anyway, so this is not new for him. By lunch time, however, it was really swollen and turning blue across the top. So, we have an appointment in 45 minutes to go check it out. 

Seriously? Seriously. Just the craptacular week I am having. Oh, wait, it's a different week isn't it? Ok, just the craptacular two weeks I am having. 

Things have been very difficult for me since returning home from our trip. So, this is just the icing on the cake I suppose. Mmm... cake. Cake could make it better. For a little bit at least. Pineapple upside down cake would make me happy. 

Anyway, I will post once I find out the details regarding little Jang A Lang's foot. Obviously I hope it isn't broken, but I really really hope it isn't - we have the kids a surprise planned next week. A cast would not be a good thing. 

HERE I AM

Well, I decided that I enjoy blogging too much to not have a blog at all. So I will use this one again. This one is completely random, serving no real purpose and I like that. It is comforting to me right now. So, thanks to everyone that has bared with me though all of my indecisiveness. I will *try* to be more stable in the future. HAHAHAHA.