Since the middle of October, I have been on a downward spiral. It began with withdrawing our paperwork for the sweet baby girl we hoped would be our daughter.
Since then, it has been absolutely downhill for me. Emotionally, spiritually, physically. It's been bad, y'all. This week, I honestly was at the end of myself.
I am the kind of person that is easily consumed with things. Once my mind settles on it, that is it. As hard as I try to avoid "triggers", all it takes is a comment or a fleeting thought and it becomes rooted in my very soul.
This week, my littlest boy Jameson, had a headache. He thought it was from hitting his head, but now I really think it was a migraine. He even saw weird flashing lights. Y'all, when he said, "Mommy, look at the colored dots!", I thought I was going to vomit. The next day, I took him to the doctor and then he had a CT scan of his head. He is totally fine, and has been ever since. But, that was all it took - my trigger. Even though I knew my baby was ok, I was paralyzed with fear. Fear for all my whole family. I let those thoughts take root in my spirit, and once it was there, there was no letting it go on my own.
On Wednesday, I was doing my bible study (right now I am doing James, Mercy Triumphs by Beth Moore.) and she was talking about how we can choose LIFE or DEATH. The whole time I was studying, I had those nagging thoughts in my mind. Thoughts of something being wrong physically with me or my children. Scary thoughts. I kept trying to push them away. I know that Jesus is not the author of fear, and I was letting fear rule me. Well, at the very end of the study, Beth referenced Deuteronomy 30:19-20:
This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may liveand that you may love the Lord your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the Lord is your life, and he will give you many years in the land he swore to give to your fathers, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.
I was so humbled. I knew then that I really needed to let the fear go. I needed to choose LIFE. Satan has been on my back, that is for sure. But I can't let him stay there. If I continue down the path I have been on, ultimately, I am choosing DEATH.
I have one more thought. A while back I heard something that was profound to me. It literally shook me to the core. I was at a Casting Crowns concert (love them!) and Mark Hall shared this about the Samaritan woman that met Jesus at the well:
The woman thought she was talking to a man she had met standing at the well. But ultimately, she was standing at a hole in the ground and she was talking to The Well.
Jesus is The Well. He possesses living water. The only water than can truly quench our thirst. If you are thirsty today, please consider The Well. Casting Crowns has a new song called "The Well". I encourage you to take a minute and read the lyrics. It is truly life changing.
| Leave it all behind, Leave it all behind, Leave it all behind, Leave it all behind, I have what you need, But you keep on searchin, I've done all the work, But you keep on workin, When you're runnin on empty, And you can't find the remedy, Just come to the well. You can spend your whole life, Chasin what's missing, But that empty inside, It just ain't gonna listen. When nothing can satisfy, And the world leaves you high and dry, Just come to the well CHORUS: And all who thirst will thirst no more, And all who search will find what their souls long for, The world will try, but it can never fill, So leave it all behind, and come to the well So bring me your heart No matter how broken, Just come as you are, When your last prayer is spoken, Rest in My arms a while, You'll feel the change my child, When you come to the well CHORUS: And all who thirst will thirst no more, And all who search will find what their souls long for, The world will try, but it can never fill, So leave it all behind, and come to the well Yeah Leave it all behind The world will try, but it can never fill... leave it all behind And now that you're full, Of love beyond measure, Your joy's gonna flow, Like a stream in the desert, Soon all the world will see that living water is found in me, Cuz you came to the well CHORUS: And all who thirst will thirst no more, And all who search will find what their souls long for, The world will try, but it can never fill, So leave it all behind, and come to the well Outro: leave it all behind, leave it all behind... repeat | |
2 comments:
Hello Michele,
I have been looking out for you!! You are always never far from my thoughts. You know I struggle too with fears,,,, BIG time. After our incident in China, it only became worse. I know that anything can happen and even though I know that God does not allow anything in our lives unless it is to bring us closer to Him, I still consider all the possibilities that 'could' happen to bring me closer to Him!! Then we lost our baby last year and that shocked me to the core as I held little Jude in my hands. But I do believe it was a turning point because I realised that the very thing I could not imagine happening to me had been allowed and God was clearly with me. I sensed His peace in a huge way. Now I wish I could say that I don't struggle with fears now..... I do and like you I consider all the things that could go wrong. I have a picture in my bedroom which I see every morning, it says, "Do not fear tomorrow, for God is already there". It is not scripture but it comforts me so much to know that. God has taken you to some really hard places in the last year and half. Places you never imagined yourself to travel. As painful as it is and continues to be, other's looking on can see growth in you and a testimony that God is building. I am blessed to read your post today and encouraged myself by your words. And I love that song!! I have their CD playing in my car all the time.
'Never never never give up' Winston Churchill
I don't have any words of wisdom, just know that there are so many people out here praying for you and this journey! ((hugs))
Post a Comment