Saturday, February 19, 2011


Travel. That "little" thing that is always in the back of my mind. The most anxiety producing part of this journey (ok, we one of the most). When I first came home from China in July of last year, I said I would never, ever go again without Brad. The loneliness I experienced while there was the deepest loneliness I have ever felt. I have never in my life felt more alone and more afraid. It was awful.

Right after we decided to be matched again, we talked about it and decided that I would have to travel alone again. There is just no way we can afford otherwise. Coming up with the money needed for just one of us to travel is difficult. There is no way we can afford for anyone else to travel with me.

When I think about that, it makes me break out into a cold sweat. My heart starts racing, and I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes. The thing is, if Brad travels with me, then the kids have to come. We just do not have anyone that we are comfortable with leaving them for that long. Not to mention, there isn't anyone they would be comfortable with.

I am wondering what I could do in the meantime to raise the money needed for them. What could I do or sell? There has be something that I could do, ya know? Somehow there just has to be a way they could go with me.

Am I wrong for wanting them to go? Is that selfish of me? It feels so frivolous, and I don't mean it that way. It just literally makes my heart ache thinking about it.


Cheri said...

Our first 2 adoptions, we all traveled together. I did not want to to leave my children for that long! For #3, Mike and I left the children at home with friends. That was the disruption. I'm glad they stayed home. For #4, I went alone. I thoroughly enjoyed all of that time by myself because I knew that it would be a long time before that happened again. It all worked out perfectly, though. You'll see.

Stephanie said...

Not selfish, just honest. The hardest part of our travel was leaving DD #1...even with everything that happened in China, being away from her was the worst. We still see lots of anxiety issues with her stemming from our time away. So, I totally get where you are coming from.
I'd say "cast your nets on both sides of the boat". In other words, try to raise money or find something to sell, but keep walking forward towards your referral, too. When the time comes, either the money will be there or it won't. And, whichever way it works out you (God) will make it work.
Yes, you are traveling to the same destination as your previous heartbreak-of-a-trip. But, this trip will be so different and good. I just know it. :)

Tara said...

I don't think it's selfish, or frivolous, at all! If we were adopting, I'd want us all to be there as a family unit to welcome this new person in to our family. I'm sure you aren't in the minority of families that aren't able to travel all together. I know going in to debt isn't really a great idea, but what about a small loan to travel? Could you get a part time job? Work when Brad is able to be home or trade day care with a friend? Pray about it and I'll pray too, that God gives you some direction.

Melody Lietzau said...

What about taking a friend with you? we will be praying that God would reveal his plan.

Michelle said...

I would love to offer you a Thirty one fundraiser I do these for adopting families.

Tara Anderson said...

As you know, I traveled "alone" with my aunt when I brought Caden home. Andrew and the older three kids didn't go...for various reasons. It was so hard on me that I decided that next time will be a family affair, even if that means we have to wait 10 years until we have the money to do it that way. From a practical point of view, it worked out fine. We did it, Caden came home, all is well. But from an emotional standpoint, it was HARD not having my family there with me for one of the most incredible moments of our life. We've been home two months and I still feel that everyone else "missed" something.

Shelley said...

Thinking of you tonight and praying!
As for travel...I will be praying God provides the money. I thought it was INCREDIBLY hard to be there without my husband last summer. So no, I don't think it is selfish to want your family with you! God knows what you need. I am asking Him to show you and give you peace.

Margy said...

Not selfish at all...I'd feel the same way. I'm praying you all get to go...yes that's a big prayer, but our God is bigger than we let Him be I'm praying for a miracle for you and your family! I'm also praying we both get matched next month and can travel together to China to get our babies :)