Monday, September 14, 2009


I am not sure why I never thought about Jessica's birth mom before, but I really haven't. It is strange because I think about it all the time with adopted children that we know. I often wonder about the kid's moms and what they may have been like.

Today we had our first meeting with our social worker. She asked some tough questions, but they were one's I was prepared for. Then she asked, "What are your thoughts about the birth mom?" At first, I wasn't sure what she meant, so I asked her, "Our daughter's birth mom?" As soon as she said yes, I was overcome with emotion. I didn't mean to, but instantly tears filled my eyes and I just started crying. I am SURE she thought I was a lunatic. It honestly was the first time I really thought about Jessica's birth mom. MY daughter's birth mom.

It was so hard to compose myself. She handed me a tissue (groan!). Not exactly the picture you want to paint with a lady that is going to write up a report about how "stable" we are. I told her I could probably write a book on my feelings toward my little one's birth mom. However, the thoughts that come to mind in that instant are gratitude, sympathy, love. When it came time to ask Brad his thoughts, I was really unsure what he would say. He told her basically the same, and thankfulness that she chose to give our daughter life. Oh yikes. Tears again. Then and now.

I just never thought about all of this. Things have been so busy getting ready for the homestudy and the dossier preparation. Now I can't get it, or her, out of my mind. Oh how I grieve for her. I think about the day she had to leave her little treasure. Surely, her heart was broken into a million pieces. I think of how she packed her baby up, knowing that she would never see her again. I simply can not fathom the pain she felt. It hurts my feelings when one of my babies goes to the store with their daddy. I want them with me, all the time. The thought of bundling them up, and walking away forever, is simply too much to bear.

That sweet lady did what most mother's do not have the courage to do. She knew that her baby would have better opportunities at life if she gave her up. She sacrificed her feelings, for what she thought was best for her baby.

I will be eternally grateful to that sweet lady. I will pray for her for as long as I live. I pray that Jesus gives her peace. I pray he blesses her for her selfless act. I would give anything to wrap my arms around her and love on her and tell her thank you.


Gavin's Family said...

Your SW does not think your crazy. She meets parents like us all the time and is most likely very use to it.
I will always carry the prayer in my heart that my sons birth mom (and even foster mom) will be in heaven someday so I will get that chance to thank them. God knows who they are and I hope in heaven I will also.

Valerie said...

I can understand your tears! To even for a second consider having to leave any of my children alone never to see them again, not sure if they will be okay makes my stomach ache in fear ... and to see a baby in a cardboard box and know that is how they were left to be found ... oh my goodness. I cannot fathom having that kind of courage, I don't want to consider that for long it scares me too much. I thank God that I have not been placed in that position and also that He has guided their hearts to be able to do this even if they do not know or recognize Him and His guiding hand. It's wonderful to hear that you guys are moving along with the process! And to hear your heart spill out in emotion ... wow. I am sure it is becoming so much more real for your husband too. To hear him talk with the SW would be awesome as a wife to hear his heart deepen and open to it all. Men, I think, have a different path on the journey than women just as they do during pregnancy. Have you read the book "MotherBridge of Love?" I just got it for an adoptive family here at church and just gave it to them yesterday. Although that adoption was domestic in nature, this book has gorgeous pictures (Asian in nature)and a beautiful story of the relationship between mother and daughter and also the birth mom. Much of the text is set up as a dicotamy (sp) balance structure such as, "She gave you life and I showed you how to live it." It is BEAUTIFUL. (It's by Xinran and Illustrated by Josee Masse) although I believe the text was actually anonymously donated in poem format to the charity Motherbridge of Love. I would highly recommend it! Blessings to your family!

Tara. said...

No way does will she say you're unstable! You showed your true emotion and that's exactly what they want to know.
But wow. That IS heavy, to think about the birth Mom. It is a gift she is giving that she will never know the greatness of. God has His mighty hand in this, and I will surely include Jessica's birth Mom in my prayers for this journey you are on.
I can't even imagine what it would feel like to give away your own child, knowing it is what's best for them. The ultimate gift of love and selflessness.