MYSTERY

Ok, so there are some weird things going on at my house. Seriously! First of all, let me say that I am not crazy. LOL. Well, for the most part anyway.

The "weird things" started a few weeks ago.  It sort of began with some random weird noises like hearing doors open, but when I would check on them, they would be closed. Whatever, that kind of thing is easily explained. However, several weeks ago, I was in my bathroom getting ready to take a shower. I turned the shower on and waited for the water to get hot. I was standing there waiting when all of a sudden the shower turned off. I mean completely off. I stood there thinking, oh my gosh! I didn't pay the water bill! So I pulled back the shower curtain to turn the knobs off, but they were off. So I turned the shower back on and it worked just fine. The actual knobs were off when I checked. Weird right?

Today, I was loading the dishwasher and I realized that one of my pots was in there that wasn't suppose to be in there. I have this pot that I use for oil to fry won ton's. Yes, we eat won ton's enough that I keep the pot of oil in the oven so it's ready when I need it. Last night, I had take the pot out of the oven so I could bake a pizza. I usually just put it on the back of the stove until I am done with the oven. Well last night, I left it on the stove.  Somehow between last night and this morning, the pot (without the oil) got put in the dishwasher. So I started asking questions - I asked Brad, the kids, my mom. No one had touched the pot, let alone knew where the oil went. I really feel if the kids had messed with it, there would have been a mess to clean up.  Brad wouldn't have known what to do with the oil, and my mom wasn't here when the debacle took place. LOL. Weird, right?

There are other instances - like I heard Julianna's bedroom door open (it creaks really bad) and I heard her walk down the hall. I got up to check on her and she was sound asleep in her bed.  Weird, right?

One more example. The other day we were preparing to leave the house. I went through turning off lights. I went in the den and turned off the one lamp we use. There are two lamps in there, but one of them never gets used. It's one of those tall halogen lamps. The kids can't reach the switch to turn it on. I went through the whole house. My house was dark when we left, except for the porch light. When we got home later, as soon as pulled in the drive way, I realized there was a light on in the den. So I came inside and it was the lamp that never gets turned on. I asked the kids about it, and they confirmed what I thought, they couldn't reach the switch. I asked Brad, but he had not been home. Weird, right?

There are a couple of possibilities: a) I am seriously losing my mind. Like full blown hallucinations. LOL. b) I am sleep walking. c) I have a ghost. HAHA.

My husband is annoyed that I am "concerned" about our recent events. LOL. It's just all so weird!!!

PROGRESS

Wow! I'm sorry it has taken me so long to blog. We have been really busy lately. There are a lot of things that I want to say and share, but I just haven't found the time to sit down with the laptop.

Things are going better lately. Don't get me wrong, I still feel "frantic" more than I care to admit. In Target on Saturday I saw a sweet little Chinese girl with her Caucasian parents and I burst into tears. Silly, I know, but other than moments like that, it is getting better.

For a while now, Brad has been asking me how I know that we still have a little girl waiting for us. I always just tell him, "I just know", because it has been the truth. I just know.  I have never been able to explain with anything more than that. However, the other night, I was sitting in the living room and it hit me. I ran into the den to share my epiphany with Brad.

When I am closest with Jesus, when I really feel His presence - for instance when I am worshipping Him with music, or reading my bible, or praying - I feel the leading to complete our adoption the most. During those times, I feel heart broken for the orphan, for my daughter. Yet, when I spend a few days not reading my bible study like I am suppose to, or the kids want to listen to Michael Jackson in the car (Yes, they are their mother's children. We love MJ. We just can't help it. Do not judge us.) instead of our contemporary Christian (which we listen to 95% of the time), or I am just too busy to stop and listen to my Lord, it is less oppressive. I don't think about it as much. I don't feel drawn to it. For the last few months, I can see a pattern. When I look back over the time since I have been home from China, the times when I felt done with this process was the times when I wasn't as close to Jesus as I should have been. Yet, the days where I felt so sure that Willa was still waiting was the days that I had spent time with Jesus.

So that is how I know. That is how I know that we have a daughter waiting for us still. The same daughter that has been waiting all along. The daughter that I have been working so hard for, for three years. I told Brad that in the summer of 2007, Jesus told me that I had a daughter waiting in China. He told me to bring her home. We haven't done that yet. I believe we are suppose to finish what He started a long time ago. So, all of that said... WE ARE GOING BACK TO CHINA!

Brad is still processing all of this. He needs a little more time. I respect that. Obviously, my little Willa isn't ready for us yet. So we are going to give it more time before requesting a match, but we are moving forward.  The way I see it is this - it gives me more time to pray for her. More time to pray for our finances. More time to thank my precious Father in Heaven that once again - HE MOVED MOUNTAINS.

Willa Hope is coming home!!!!!

FRANTIC

Frantic is the only word that I can think of to describe the way I feel. I like I am desperately swimming (against a current) to get to her, and the harder I swim, the further away she is. This panic wells up inside of me, and there is nothing I can do about it. 

I long for her. I love her just as if I had given birth to her myself. Yet, I have never seen her. I do not know her name. The love is very real, however. Sadly, no matter how desperate I feel, or how empty I feel, it doesn't matter. She is a world away and there is no way I can get to her. Not now at least.

It is the most horrible feeling. I completely trust Jesus, but at the same time, I am desperate to understand. 

His ways are not our ways. I only see the here and now, He sees the whole picture. I have to trust that he has a purpose and all of this has meaning. If I don't believe that, I will lose my mind.

I just have to pray that He will reveal Himself and His purpose to us. Hopefully, He will do that soon. I am not sure how long I can keep swimming. 

THURSDAY'S THINGS TO PRAY FOR

My friend, Kelly, gave me this great idea. Every Thursday she will post a list of things she would like her readers to pray for. It's a great idea, and the more people that can join in, the more people we have praying!

So here is my list! Please help me by praying. If you will pray for me, please leave a comment. That way I can link back to your blog and pray for you!!

1. Brad and I am in the midst of making big decisions regarding our adoption. When? How? What? All major questions that we need help with. Decisions we can NOT make without direction from our Abba.

2. Our homeschool. Things are some better, but it was tough this week. My children just can't be "bothered" with school and it is really showing in their work.

3. I am having some weird symptoms lately. Alone, each symptom is not a big deal. However, together, they are annoying. I am thinking it may be... gasp...perimenopause. I am so not ready for that. At the same time, I hope that is all that it is.

That's it for now! Thank you guys for the prayers! We surely need them. Please post a comment, so I can return the favor!

PROCESSING

Long time no post, eh? I am finding lately that either I have nothing to share, or I have so much my heart wants to share, I don't know where to begin. 

We recently started a new bible study at church called "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan. So far, I am really enjoying it. The more I learn about Francis Chan, the more I love him! LOL. He is brilliant and he has such valid points. The book is really making me think about things. If you haven't read the book, I highly recommend it.  Here is a video link that shares a little bit about what the bible study is about - check it out:

Pretty neat huh? Guys, this video is the tip of the iceberg. This book is amazing. 

Also, I just wanted to share that Brad and I have had lots of talks lately about our adoption. We have finally began to work through some of the pain, anger, disappointment, etc... It feels so much better to get some of this stuff out. I could tell that I was beginning to slip into a really dark place. I have to say though, with prayer and endless talks with my husband, I am feeling so much better.  I look forward to our next steps, and am hopeful that we all will get the happy ending we have been praying about for so very long. In His time. I just need to learn some patience. 

Some possible good news - I have been in contact with a very dear lady that has some connections in China. She is working on getting Sweet Xiao the medical help she needs. Please join me in praying for that precious little girl. This could be life changing for her. I don't know all of the details or the ins and outs, but there is hope for her. When I hear something new, I will share. Please just pray it all works out for Xiao. 

Please also keep us in your prayers as we move forward. I trust with Jesus' provision there will be nothing to fear.  Isaiah 43:18-19!! He's doing a new thing! 

10 YEARS

Yesterday was our 10 year wedding anniversary. 10 years! That just seems nuts to me. At the same time, I feel like Brad has always been in my life. I can't remember what life was like before him.

I typed up this long "timeline" representing our last 10 years. Almost all the entries were hardships. I decided to start over. I don't want to focus on the hardships. Honestly, without each and every one, we would not be the married couple we are today.

And to be even more honest, I can't imagine my marriage being any better. I can say this for the both of us - there is no one else on the face of the planet that I would rather be with. I truly married my best friend. After 10 years together, its has only gotten better.

We are settled. We are content. We are secure. We are happy. We are still in love.

It feels so good to know that I married the man Jesus, himself, hand picked just for me. It is awesome. Now, don't get me wrong - none of that means we are without our hard times. This last month has rocked us to the very core. We are still reeling from it, and we probably will be for quite some time. I am just so grateful to be traveling this journey with Brad.

I look forward many more decades together! I can't wait to live them with the perfect mate for me!

SPLURGE

I was in desperate need of new jeans.  All of my jeans are fat girl, mom jeans. I knew with fall just around the corner (how can that be, btw?), I could not endure another season with the hideous jeans in my closet.

So when I got an email from Gap for 30% off, I heard heavenly music playing. It was time. So the kids and I set off to Winston Salem to the mall. Just as a side note, it still hurts my feelings that I have to drive an hour to go to the mall, but that is neither here nor there, I suppose. Anyway, so I get to Gap and started trying on jeans. I found some awesome ones that I love. And guess what??? They were a whole size smaller than I thought I was going to have to buy!

Isn't that awesome? Oh and I had $30 in Gap reward dollars!!  So it was a great time to buy!

New jeans, $59.50.
Total savings, $47.85.
Getting a size 6, PRICELESS!