Tuesday, November 23, 2010


I was reading over my old blog today. The blog that I kept on our journey to Han Xiao.  It was painful to read those words - to hear the excitement in my post. I remember those posts like they were yesterday. I remember the joy and excitement. It is hard to think that I will ever feel that again.

There are some posts there that really shared how Jesus provided and guided on our journey. I began to think that by taking that blog down, people were missing all the wonderful things He has done for us. I decided to merge the blogs. There are still a few posts that I have not published here, because it is still too painful. Not for me or my circumstance, but for her and her little life. I hate how it worked out for Xiao. I hate that I told her I was her mommy and then I left her there. 

I do know that Jesus had a plan all along. He knew the way it would turn out. He knew that Xiao was not intended to be my daughter. I can happily report now that Xiao has indeed found her family, so she will get her happy ending. Thank God. It's still hard though. 

Over time, I will publish more posts from the old blog. My journey is not complete without them. My journey to Willa would not be complete if I didn't include those posts too. Because of those painful things, I will eventually find the daughter Jesus intended for us. 

Anyway, so there are new posts buried in the archives. I do ask that if you read them and feel the need to comment, please, please be kind. I do not need judgement. I answer to only ONE Judge. I sharing these in hopes that they help someone. I am not asking for thoughts and opinions. Thank you.


Anita said...

Dear Michelle - I've not been in your bloggy world for long, so I don't know what it is that you've walked through. What I will tell you is that there is no way that any one of us can truly understand what each other walks through. As we walk in faith through this adoption journey again, I'm fully aware that I need to learn from others as well as encourage, too. So....no words, just hugs! :)

Shelley said...

Michelle~ I am so sorry that you even felt you had to ask people not to judge you. I second what Anita said...many people can say what they would and would not do...but unless they have lived it, they DO NOT KNOW!!! I look forward to the day that we see sweet Willa in your arms.

Tara. said...

I'm so glad you've been able to accept that difficult part of this journey a little more and share it (again) with so many that care for you. It's all part of the healing process, and someday I'm sure you will know why you had to go through that. I hope no more judgment comes your way, only support and encouragement. xoxo

Tayler said...

A friend forwarded your blog to me because i too have faced the same exact road that you have walked on. I felt immediately connected to you as i am still struggling with the grief and guilt, but i found peace in God's sovereignty and knowing that His plans are always good and right. We are traveling back to China in a few days..Yes, days...and i'm a wreck...trying hard to cling to the Lord and take one day at a time. Just like God told Moses to drop his staff and watch as it slithered away as a snake, God was reminding Moses to focus on the present and that God is who He says He is...don't look back at the past or into the future, and this is a struggle for me and i know that God is calling me my FAITH be my eyes. May God comfort you and fill you up with grace and love.