FRANTIC

Frantic is the only word that I can think of to describe the way I feel. I like I am desperately swimming (against a current) to get to her, and the harder I swim, the further away she is. This panic wells up inside of me, and there is nothing I can do about it. 

I long for her. I love her just as if I had given birth to her myself. Yet, I have never seen her. I do not know her name. The love is very real, however. Sadly, no matter how desperate I feel, or how empty I feel, it doesn't matter. She is a world away and there is no way I can get to her. Not now at least.

It is the most horrible feeling. I completely trust Jesus, but at the same time, I am desperate to understand. 

His ways are not our ways. I only see the here and now, He sees the whole picture. I have to trust that he has a purpose and all of this has meaning. If I don't believe that, I will lose my mind.

I just have to pray that He will reveal Himself and His purpose to us. Hopefully, He will do that soon. I am not sure how long I can keep swimming. 

THURSDAY'S THINGS TO PRAY FOR

My friend, Kelly, gave me this great idea. Every Thursday she will post a list of things she would like her readers to pray for. It's a great idea, and the more people that can join in, the more people we have praying!

So here is my list! Please help me by praying. If you will pray for me, please leave a comment. That way I can link back to your blog and pray for you!!

1. Brad and I am in the midst of making big decisions regarding our adoption. When? How? What? All major questions that we need help with. Decisions we can NOT make without direction from our Abba.

2. Our homeschool. Things are some better, but it was tough this week. My children just can't be "bothered" with school and it is really showing in their work.

3. I am having some weird symptoms lately. Alone, each symptom is not a big deal. However, together, they are annoying. I am thinking it may be... gasp...perimenopause. I am so not ready for that. At the same time, I hope that is all that it is.

That's it for now! Thank you guys for the prayers! We surely need them. Please post a comment, so I can return the favor!

PROCESSING

Long time no post, eh? I am finding lately that either I have nothing to share, or I have so much my heart wants to share, I don't know where to begin. 

We recently started a new bible study at church called "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan. So far, I am really enjoying it. The more I learn about Francis Chan, the more I love him! LOL. He is brilliant and he has such valid points. The book is really making me think about things. If you haven't read the book, I highly recommend it.  Here is a video link that shares a little bit about what the bible study is about - check it out:

Pretty neat huh? Guys, this video is the tip of the iceberg. This book is amazing. 

Also, I just wanted to share that Brad and I have had lots of talks lately about our adoption. We have finally began to work through some of the pain, anger, disappointment, etc... It feels so much better to get some of this stuff out. I could tell that I was beginning to slip into a really dark place. I have to say though, with prayer and endless talks with my husband, I am feeling so much better.  I look forward to our next steps, and am hopeful that we all will get the happy ending we have been praying about for so very long. In His time. I just need to learn some patience. 

Some possible good news - I have been in contact with a very dear lady that has some connections in China. She is working on getting Sweet Xiao the medical help she needs. Please join me in praying for that precious little girl. This could be life changing for her. I don't know all of the details or the ins and outs, but there is hope for her. When I hear something new, I will share. Please just pray it all works out for Xiao. 

Please also keep us in your prayers as we move forward. I trust with Jesus' provision there will be nothing to fear.  Isaiah 43:18-19!! He's doing a new thing! 

10 YEARS

Yesterday was our 10 year wedding anniversary. 10 years! That just seems nuts to me. At the same time, I feel like Brad has always been in my life. I can't remember what life was like before him.

I typed up this long "timeline" representing our last 10 years. Almost all the entries were hardships. I decided to start over. I don't want to focus on the hardships. Honestly, without each and every one, we would not be the married couple we are today.

And to be even more honest, I can't imagine my marriage being any better. I can say this for the both of us - there is no one else on the face of the planet that I would rather be with. I truly married my best friend. After 10 years together, its has only gotten better.

We are settled. We are content. We are secure. We are happy. We are still in love.

It feels so good to know that I married the man Jesus, himself, hand picked just for me. It is awesome. Now, don't get me wrong - none of that means we are without our hard times. This last month has rocked us to the very core. We are still reeling from it, and we probably will be for quite some time. I am just so grateful to be traveling this journey with Brad.

I look forward many more decades together! I can't wait to live them with the perfect mate for me!